the quiet joy of reading alone

There is nothing that a cup of hot coffee and a good book can't heal. 

By a good book, I don't necessarily mean a good book with high literary quotes or over the top motivational speeches. Sometimes a locked psych ward, a husband being framed for his wife's murder, a psychiatrist trying to uncover the past of a brutal murder can bring the same amount of joy and comfort to you than any good book can.

Reading—when done correctly—can bring enormous amounts of changes in your life that will transform you forever—or leave you scarred, take your pick. 

By done correctly, I mean to read because you enjoy it, because you actually crave the escapism that it brings you. Reading books only to compete with others, to see the whole process as a book count, but not being able to immerse yourself in the book—not being able to see what the author wants us to see—is completely futile.

The raw emotions I feel when reading books—especially with characters that resonate highly with me—is ineffable to the people who just don't get it. The books I've read as a child made me what I am today.

Reading came to me when I was only a child. The books I've read made me what I am today.

 But I never went out of the way to buy myself books to decorate expensive bookshelves. I read what I had, my literature textbooks from school were my best friends in a world where I never could (and will) fit in.

For a little girl who never learned to express herself, this was everything. Her expression of anger, joy, sadness, anxiety and of all the things she kept to herself.

Outside of those crisp pages, nobody would talk to her, nobody would get her. Inside those pages, she found a home.

So, no, reading for me is not performative. It's where I actually live.

It's like wrapping myself in a warm fuzzy blanket and lying in bed beside an open window where it's raining outside, and the cool breeze lulls you to sleep while the pattering of water sings you a lullaby.

If this description resonates with your definition of "home", then we can be good friends.

In school, I had a few friends but was still likely to stay alone almost all the time. 

The classroom felt like a theatre to me, all the people acting out their part- trying to fit in- even the teachers. And I must say, I didn't really enjoy the play. Nobody was even present in the moment. 

Everything that happened inside those classrooms is a blur. I remember the teacher talking monotonously, heads nodding absently but most of all I remember the feeling of leaving the classroom with absolutely no new emerging ideas or excitement about whatever I had learned (or not learned).

That empty head space led my steps directly towards the school library.

The library...where all the chaos and acting came to an end, mostly because half the time nobody even used the library. 

The place felt frozen in time. Everything was so serene inside the library. The books, neatly arranged in spotless white shelves, whispered their stories, quietly luring me towards them.

 My favorite seat was beside a window and how lucky I was, that window seat amplified my reading experience even more. The smell of old and new books wafting through the air was my drug of choice and the sound of pages turning, pens scratching and people reading discreetly was my favorite podcast.

I used to take forever to pick one book to read (if only we could read multiple books at once, that would be lovely). Every time I chose one book, some other pleaded to be picked instead. But in the end, it had to be just one book. 

From the moment I flipped through the first page, a sort of mental shutter went down, blocking the outside world completely. Because it's not just about reading, it's about immersing yourself into another reality because you're freaking bored of this one. When I read, I see or hear nothing from what's going around me but only what's happening inside the book.

This brings a quote from Roald Dahl's Matilda to my memory. 

It's when Matilda shares her experience of reading to the kind librarian Mrs. Phelps about how she feels like she's "right there on the spot watching it all happen." And Mrs. Phelps replies with, "A fine writer will always make you feel that."

Matilda and I are the same. Once that book is open, and we begin reading, there's nothing in this world that can rip us away from that.

It was always devastating to leave the library when the period was over. If only they held every class there, I would've never missed school for anything. Anyway, I had to return to the classroom and pretend to be alive.

There are only so many places where a reader can find true joy. 

One of them is under the cover of night. I personally enjoy reading horror or thriller books at night. Precisely, in the middle of the night. It is a safe space that maybe I don't appreciate enough. When everyone in my house is asleep but I lay awake under a lamp with a book... instant dopamine. 

I'm not sure how to conclude this series of...thoughts. An underlying motive of writing this was to exhaust my internal monologue somewhere. I think I did a fairly good job, and to be honest I feel so carefree right now. 

I suppose that's all I wanted to say, all I wanted people to know about me. I had a really nice time writing this. I hope the reader enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.